Airliner!
by Mahler Avatar
Summary: A spoof of the classic comedy film, Airplane! Can Ron land an airliner and save the passengers from almost certain death due to gastronomic distress, or will he only achieve the certain death part?


_To celebrate my my first year on this site, I offer for your amusement a parody of one of my favorite and wackiest movies ever. The usual disclaimers apply: Kim Possible is owned by Disney, but any ensuing groans caused by my humor are totally my responsibility. _

_And leave a review, get a reply!_

* * *

The Middleton International Airport was bustling with excitement as thousands of passengers made their way back and forth, eagerly looking forward to the Memorial Day holiday. All the local schools had let out for the summer, and Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable were celebrating their high school graduation by taking a long-anticipated trip to Disney World.

Ron was busy reading about its water park attractions while Kim checked in their luggage. "Ooh, Kim! Typhoon Lagoon has a Shark Reef where you can get up close and personal with the little beasties! Doesn't that sound exciting?"

Kim looked non-plussed. "Uh, so not, Ron. I was nearly eaten by one while trapped beneath a layer of ice in Drakken's lair that one time. That was enough 'jumping the shark' to last me quite a while." She turned to smile at her BFBF. "But that's cool if you want to. No big!"

Ron grinned. "Well, just as long as we get to spend most of our time together. Now that we've graduated, a nice, peaceful vacation without Barkin, Drakken and Shego or any invading aliens sounds bon-diggety!"

Rufus popped out of Ron's carry-on bag. "_Whoopee! Bon-diggety!"_

Kim's face suddenly took on a somber cast. "Uh oh, Ron. Don't look now, but . . ."

Mr. Barkin had just walked up, his usual sneer even more fearsome than usual. Wearing a crumpled sun hat, a garish Hawaiian shirt and a pair of grossly mismatched lime green shorts, he looked every bit like a fashion nightmare come true.

Ron sheepishly said, "Heh-hey, Mr. Barkin! How's it hangin' ?"

He gruffly acknowledged them both. "Possible. Stoppable. Not so well. The airline lost my luggage and I was forced to return from my trip in . . . this!" He indicated his attire with an angry flourish of his arms.

Kim began coughing madly as she tried to cover up her laughter. "I'm . . . I'm so sorry, Mr. Barkin. I hope they find your luggage soon."

Ron snickered under his breath, "Yeah, _real_ soon . . ."

Barkin eyed Kim condescendingly as he began walking away. "You better take care of that cough, Possible. Lots of that swine flu going around, you know."

As soon as he had turned the corner, both of them burst out laughing.

"Whoa, KP, call 911! That outfit is a fashion disaster of biblical proportions!"

Kim wiped a tear from her eye. "Poor Mr. Barkin! Oh, well. Just as long as we don't lose our own luggage, or else we might end up getting a visit from the Fashion Police ourselves."

The announcer began the boarding call. "_Miracle Airlines Flight 13 to Orlando, now boarding. And remember, if it's a good flight, it's a Miracle."_

Ron smiled in anticipation. "Well, that's our flight, KP. Time to get on board."

Kim looked apprehensive. "Uh, Ron, exactly what airline is this? I don't think I've ever heard of them."

Ron shrugged. "No problem, Kim. I got a great deal by using my Bueno Nacho Bonus Bucks. I've eaten there so often, this trip ended up totally free!"

Kim just grimaced. "Oh, no, Ron! Coupons _again?_"

"Yeah, but that's not the best part: Bueno Nacho also provides the in-flight meals! Isn't that coolio?"

Kim's reply was tinged with sarcasm. "Yeah, spankin'. But next time, why don't you just let _me_ make the arrangements?"

They both began boarding the plane just as a young, attractive brunette and her middle-aged male companion came running up, just in time to make the flight. There wasn't anything particularly unusual about them, other than the fact that their respective skin colors were pale shades of green and blue.

"Hurry, Shego, or we'll miss the plane!" Dr. Drakken was nearly out of breath as he stumbled up the gangplank.

Shego complained, "Tell me again how you talked me into this, Dr. D?"

Drakken petulantly responded, "Well, the air car broke down, and this was the last airline I could find that would connect with our flight to the Bahamas. Besides, I was able to get a great deal on these tickets using my HenchCo Bonus Bucks! This trip was practically free, _so there!"_

As they found their seats, Shego shook her head and laconically observed, "Nothing is totally free, Dr. D. There's always a price to pay somewhere along the line."

Drakken cheerfully waved a finger at her. "Now, now, Shego. Let's look on the bright side. Now that we've been given a blanket pardon for helping Team Possible save the world from those pesky aliens, things will be different now. And now that we're also, _ahem_, an _item_ . . ." A tendril from beneath his tropical shirt gently wrapped itself around Shego's shoulders.

Shego smiled warmly back at him. "Well, when you put it like _that_ . . ."

"And please, call me Drew from now on. This trip signifies our brand new start in life together. What could possibly go wrong?"

The lights chose that moment to flicker, and with a loud pop, the cabin was plunged into near darkness. The PA system clicked on.

"This is your captain speaking. Sorry about that folks, just a blown fuse, nothing to be worried about. We'll have that fixed right away and be taking off shortly."

Shego felt a little uneasy. "Yeah, nothing to worry about . . ."

The flight attendant began to demonstrate the emergency procedures.

"All right, losers! If this plane crashes, I'm the first one off the plane, clear?"

Ron's jaw dropped. "Kim, look! It's Bonnie!"

Bonnie haughtily crossed her arms as she announced to the passengers, "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there's only four ways off this plane, so listen up!"

She continued by using two life vests like pom-poms and began a cheer routine as she started pointing out the exits. "Two! Four! Six! Eight! Sliding ramps are really great! F-L-O-T-A-T-E! Use your seat if in the sea! Go, Mad Dawwgs! Go, Go, Mad Dawwgs!"

Kim got up and approached her former cheer squad member. "Nice cheer Bonnie, but what are you doing here? I thought you were in summer school for that one credit you needed to graduate?"

She casually flipped her hair back as she replied, "Hey, K. I was able to swing this cool gig as a flight attendant intern through Club Banana to earn that one measly credit. And with all my purchases this year, all I had to do was cash in all of my . . ."

"Club Banana Bonus Bucks?" Kim finished snidely.

Bonnie's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Yeah! How did you know?"

Kim rolled her eyes. "Let's just call it an educated guess."

"Well, Kim, you better get back to your seat. We're about to take off."

Soon the plane was in the air, winging its way toward its Florida vacation destination. But it wasn't long before Kim had spotted her erstwhile foes sitting several rows in front of them.

"Ron, look! What are Drakken and Shego doing here?"

Ron did a double-take. "Holy frijole! We just can't get away from them, can we?"

Kim pursed her lips. "Well, I think I should just find out." She marched over to them just as Shego was placing her drink order.

"And could you add a splash of blue Curacao to my vodka? I like my drinks blue." She looked longingly over at Dr. Drakken. "Just like my men."

Arms akimbo, Kim announced, "Gee, Shego, and I _so_ thought you'd be ordering something green."

Startled by the teen heroine's sudden appearance, Drakken yelled, "Kim Possible!?" Acting on pure instinct, he commanded, "Shego, attack!"

Out of sheer force of habit, Shego quickly did a back flip out of her seat and landed directly in front of Kim, hands glowing with green plasma and ready for the attack. Kim swiftly assumed a defensive crouch, hands raised in preparation for battle. But just as quickly, Shego extinguished her flame and formed a 'T' with her hands.

"Whoa, whoa, time out! Dr. D, this isn't your lair, and we're not in the middle of another devious plot to take over the world. So take a chill pill or something." She laughed self-consciously as she turned to Kim. "Sorry for overreacting there, Kimmie. Old habits and all that."

Kim relaxed slightly. "Sure, I guess. But what are you two doing on the same plane as me and Ron?"

Shego smiled. "Do the words 'desperately need a vacation' ring any bells? C'mon Princess, we're on the same side now! We deserve as much R & R as you and Monkey Boy, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but . . ."

"Besides, Drew needed to use his HenchCo Bonus Bucks for our tickets before they expired."

Kim put her head in her hand and sighed. "Yeah, just like Ron's Bueno Nacho Bonus Bucks."

Shego laughed. "What, the sidekick too?" She put her hand on Kim's shoulder. "I guess men are the same all over, huh?"

"You've got _that_ right, Shego. So, I guess we're cool?"

Shego nodded. "As ice, Cupcake. Have a nice trip."

With a quiver in her voice after that close call, Bonnie announced, "If everyone will please be seated, we'd like to begin serving the in-flight meal?"

Kim resumed her seat next to Ron. "Well, it looks like they're on vacation just like us, so no big."

Ron smiled. "That's a relief. A mid-air battle between you and Shego would have been just wrongsick. Danger of explosive decompression and all that."

Kim nodded in agreement as she began eating her chimarito.

"Whoa. This seems much spicier than usual." She quickly gobbled it down, but she was still hungry. "Say, Bonnie, how about another one?"

Ron thought to himself, "_That's strange. Kim never has a second chimarito at home. . ."_

He turned on his personal viewscreen to see what in-flight movies were being shown. Channel One was showing _King Kong_. He quickly changed to Channel Two, which was playing _Return of the Revenge of the Planet of the Apes Strikes Back._ Growing ever more desperate, he flipped to the remaining channel, only to discover a National Geographic special on chimpanzees. By now he was in a near panic as he gasped for breath.

"_Hands . . . sweating! Heart . . . racing!" _

Kim simply shrugged. "Gee, Ron. I thought you were all over your monkey issues by now. Why don't you check with Bonnie? Maybe they have something else you could watch."

"Good idea, KP." He got up out of his seat and quickly found Bonnie. "Hey, Bob-Bon! I'm looking for some entertainment, preferably without monkeys."

Bonnie gasped and slapped him hard across his face. "You little creep!"

Ron tried to explain. "No, no! Not from _you_, entertainment as in something I can watch at my seat! Any videos I can borrow that don't feature any simians?"

"You are just weird, Stoppable," she huffed. "Why don't you check with the flight crew?"

Ron took her advice and began walking toward the cockpit. At that moment Kim got a call from Wade on her Kimmunicator.

"What up, Wade? And can it wait? Ron and I are on vacation."

"Sorry, Kim. Serious trouble," Wade apologized. "Ned from Bueno Nacho just called. Somehow, some chimaritos _way_ beyond their expiration date accidentally got mixed together with some left-over mystery meat from Middleton High. And they were just delivered in error to the airport for in-flight meals on Miracle Airlines! If anyone should eat one, they'd get sick _real_ quick."

Kim gasped, "Uh, oh. I just ate two. How sick are we talking?"

"Kim, remember when Ron got sick after eating too many chili cheese dogs and was banned from the Middleton Fair for tossing his cookies on that clown?"

"That bad, huh?" Kim's stomach began to rumble. "Ooh, suddenly I don't feel so good." Kim's skin began taking on a shade of green much more akin to Shego's. "Whoa, I haven't felt this bad since hearing Señor Senior Junior at that karaoke bar on open-mike night."

Ron had by now reached the cockpit and opened the door. He was shocked to find the entire flight crew on the floor, clutching their stomachs and groaning in extreme pain.

"Aaahhh! Bad pilots! Rufus, quick, get Kim!"

As Rufus rushed back out the door, Ron sat down in the pilot's seat to see if he could do something to help. He took a long look at the control panel: buttons, dials, switches and knobs all clamored for his attention. He could almost hear them saying, "_Call me! Beep me! Push me! Flip me!" _

One of the buttons suddenly buzzed, causing him to scream again. He calmed down as soon as he realized it was only the radio.

A voice from the airport's control tower asked, "_TK-421, do you copy?"_

Ron flipped the switch and replied, "Hellooo? Uh, this is Ron Stoppable: we need help quick! Our pilot is crummy in the tummy and he's out cold!"

The air traffic controller nearly panicked. "_Oh no! The pilot? What is it?"_

Ron rolled his eyes. "Uh, he's the guy who flies the plane, duh! But that's not important now. You've got to talk me down!"

A moment of silence passed before the control tower responded. "_Uh, ok. You're a useless idiot who couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. How's that?"_

"No!" he yelled. "Don't talk _down_ to me! Talk _me_ down, as in how to land this plane!"

"_Uh, sorry. Negative on that, since I've never flown a plane before."_

"Well, neither have I, so I guess we're even," Ron sighed. "Unless you count Scenario 19 in Zombie Mayhem III when I crashed a C-5A Galaxy filled with high explosives into the zombie's top-secret lair."

Another few seconds of awkward silence passed_. "Uh, I think we'll pass on that. How about we give you a call back in a few minutes while we try to find someone here to help you land?"_

"Ooh! I've got an even better idea! Page Mr. Steve Barkin. He's an ex-Marine pilot: he'll be able to help!"

The air traffic controller flipped a switch and the airport PA system came on. "_Paging Mr. Barkin, Mr. Steve Barkin. Please pick up the Mauve Courtesy Telephone please."_

Mr. Barkin sighed heavily and reached for one of the phones.

The PA system announced, "_No that's the Taupe phone."_

Grumbling to himself, he reached for one of the other phones.

"_No, no, that's the Dusty Rose phone."_

Now totally frustrated, he yelled, "Oh, for crying out loud people! Whatever happened to the White Courtesy Telephone?!"

He finally grabbed the correct phone and screamed, "What do you want!?"

"_Mr. Barkin, we have an emergency onboard Miracle Flight 13. The pilot has passed out and we need you to help one of the passengers land the plane."_

Quickly regaining his composure, he proudly puffed out his chest and answered, "Sounds like a job for Lt. Steve Barkin, ex-Marine. I'll be right there." He knew that when the chips were down, he could come through for anybody. Well, maybe with one possible exception . . .

Stepping into the control tower, he was greeted by the air traffic controller who immediately handed him a phone.

"This is Steve Barkin. Who is this?"

Ron breathed a sigh of relief. "Mr. Barkin! Boy am I glad you're there!"

Mr. Barkin slapped his forehead in frustration. _The one exception . . ._ "Stoppable! What are you doing up there?"

"Uh, sir, having a little trouble with an airliner!"

"An airliner? What is it?"

"It's a big flying vehicle designed to transport people, but that's not important now. What's important is that the pilot ate a bad chimarito and has passed out! You've got to tell me how to land this plane!"

Mr. Barkin barked, "Holy cheese and crackers, Stoppable! Have you ever flown a plane before?"

Ron weakly replied, "Only some computer games like the Microsloth Flight Stimulator XXXXVIII, but it kept crashing my computer."

"Let's not say 'crash' for the moment, shall we?" Mr. Barkin growled. "Now listen, and listen good, Stoppable! Flying a plane is no different than you running away like a girl from the opposing team's players. It's just a lot harder to work the rudder pedals with those cleats on."

Ron cocked a questioning eyebrow. "So, you're saying I should take off my shoes?"

"No, Stoppable! For crying out loud, keep your shirt on!"

"Uh, I thought we were talking about my shoes?"

"That's just an idiom!" Barkin yelled.

Ron shot back, "Hey, my momma didn't raise no idiom!"

"That's IDIOM, not IDIOT, Stoppable! _Don't _take off your shoes, keep your shirt _on_ and listen closely to _everything_ I say!"

"Sure thing, Mr. B! I just hope I don't lose my pants like I always do . . ."

The color of Mr. Barkin's face was rapidly approaching that of a ripe tomato. Through gritted teeth, he desperately tried to control his temper. "Well, it sure looks like I picked the wrong week to stop substitute teaching . . . All right, Stoppable. The first thing to do is check your instruments."

Ron looked at the panel. "Ok, let's see here . . . Altitude: 25,000 feet. Speed: 500 knots. Violin, Cello, Piano: the Schubert Trio in B-flat."

"Not _those_ kind of instruments!" he bellowed. "Just grab the control stick."

Ron grabbed the stick a little too quickly and accidentally began rolling the plane. "Whoa-ho-ho! This would be so cool _if_ _we weren't gonna crash!"_

Back in the passenger compartment, Bonnie had overheard Wade's warning to Kim and tried to assist the passengers who were rapidly becoming ill. Suddenly, the plane began to roll to the left, tossing them into the people seated on that side of the plane.

Thinking quickly, she announced, "If everyone will look out the left side of the plane, you'll see the Grand Canyon!"

Ron quickly pulled the stick in the other direction, but he overcompensated as the plane rolled to the right.

With the passengers now being tossed the other way, Bonnie yelled out, "And if everyone will look out the right side, you'll get a great view of Niagara Falls!"

Ron finally righted the plane and breathed a sigh of relief, but confessed his doubts. "I'm not sure I can do this, Mr. Barkin. I better go get Kim."

Bonnie picked herself up off the floor and marched furiously into the cockpit. "What the heck is going on up here?"

She was stunned to see the flight crew unconscious and Ron at the controls. "You loser! What are you trying to do, get us all killed? You can't fly this plane!"

Ron whined, "That's what I just tried to tell Mr. Barkin! And you're right, I don't think I can."

Ron flipped the autopilot switch. A Bebe robot immediately appeared and took control of the aircraft. Its mechanical voice began to drone.

"_Analysis: Pilot . . . unconscious. Bebe . . . will . . . fly . . . plane." _

Ron asked the Bebebot, "Uh, yeah, but the real question is, can you land it?"

"_Negative. Can . . . only . . . keep . . . level."_

The plane stabilized itself as Bonnie conveyed the bad news to Ron. "Kim just got a call from her geek friend and he said something about some bad chimaritos that were delivered to our plane, and now she's sick too!"

"Uh oh. Not good. Bonnie, what were the meal choices tonight?"

"It was either chimaritos or chimichangas."

Ron nodded gravely. "Yes, that's right, I had a Naco."

He quickly rushed back to see how Kim was doing, only to discover that her hurl factor had definitely been exceeded, along with almost half of the other passengers.

Ron thought to himself, "_That's strange. Kim never throws up at home . . ."_

Kim weakly said, "SO not feeling good, Ron. You ok?"

"I'm fine, KP, but the pilot's down for the count too. We need to find someone to fly this plane or else we're all in big trouble."

In a shaky voice, she suggested, "Try Shego. She's a great pilot."

Ron tried to sound encouraging. "Ok, Kim. And don't worry, we'll all be fine."

He raced over to where Shego was sitting, but found to his dismay that she had also consumed some of the tainted Mexican food. Looking much greener than usual, she wasn't in any better shape than Kim or the pilot.

"Ugh. When I get my hands on the person responsible for this, I'll make them wish they'd never been born!"

As always, Ron tried to say something helpful, but failed miserably. "That's ok, Shego. Just don't think about any kind of food that'll make it worse, like, uh, anything really greasy or smelly. Like sauerkraut!"

Shego clapped her hand over her mouth as she turned another shade greener. She would have loved to have blasted Ron halfway into next week at that moment if only she'd been able.

"Oh! And salted pork! Don't think about that either."

Shego suddenly felt even sicker as her own hurl factor was reached. "Uh, oh. Fire in the hole!" She quickly grabbed an airsick bag and heaved away.

Dr. Drakken was fine however, fortunately having eaten only a chimichanga instead. Ron suddenly got an idea.

"Hey Dr. D, you have a little flying experience, don't you?"

Drakken sneered, "Sorry, _sidekick_, but flying an air car is completely different than flying an airliner, altogether!"

In unison everyone within earshot repeated, "Flying an air car is completely different than flying an airliner!"

Now having run out of possibilities, Ron was really getting worried now. "Oh, man. We are so toast, Rufus."

"_Oh, nooo!"_ Rufus moaned plaintively.

One of the other flight attendants overheard Ron's comment. She nervously asked, "Excuse me, what was that you just said?"

Ron hadn't meant for anyone else to hear his dire speculation. "Ooo, sorry. It's just that anyone on board that can actually fly this plane has also eaten a bad chimarito and is totally incapacitated."

The flight attendant gasped. "Incapacitated? What is it?"

Ron shrugged. "It's a big word I missed on a pop quiz back in high school, but that's not important now. What's important is that we find someone who can land this plane, and that _hasn't_ eaten any chimaritos."

She asked, "Well, do you think that _you_ could fly this plane and land it?"

Ron noticed her name tag, which revealed that her name was Shirley Smith. "Well, I . . . I really don't know, Ms. Smith. I don't think that I have enough training or self-confidence to land this plane in one piece. Seriously."

"I am serious, and please, call me Shirley."

"Ok, Shirley. I just wish I were totally confident like my girlfriend, Kim Possible. She can do anything!" He sighed suddenly. "Uh, except fly a plane after eating spoiled Tex-Mex, that is."

A little old lady in the next row gasped. "Your girlfriend is THE Kim Possible? You're such a lucky young boy! She's so pretty with that darling figure of hers, and especially with that lovely bare midriff during those first few seasons. And her blazing red hair, those firm thighs . . . and her supple, pouting . . ."

"LIPS!" Ron yelled, suddenly wondering what was up with this passenger. "Yes, her lips can be that way sometimes, especially when doing her classic Puppy-Dog Pout. But uh, if you'll excuse me, please . . ."

He sat down heavily into the seat next to Drakken. "Well, Dr. D, it looks like this is it. I just don't believe in myself enough to risk trying to land this plane. And it all goes back to that terrible experience I had as a kid at Camp Wannaweep, when I was terrified by Bobo, the chimpanzee. I just couldn't get him to stop attacking me! All the other kids had fled, but I was too scared to even run."

Drakken scratched his chin. "Hmm. It sounds to me like . . ."

Ron frowned. "I know what you're going to say, Dr. D, so you can save your breath.

Dr. Drakken sighed. "Well, I don't have much to say, because you've done the best you could. You can't expect to win them all, you know. But I want to tell you something I've kept to myself all these years. I was also at Camp Wannaweep once, working as a counselor and medical aide. I was on duty one day when they brought in a badly wounded kid covered with chimpanzee bites. He could barely talk. He looked up at me and said, 'With that rabid chimp attacking everyone, we knew the odds were against us, but Ron Stoppable went in anyway and saved all of us.' And that kid's name was . . . Brick Flagg."

Ron's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Wow! Brick Flagg said that?"

Drakken nodded. "Yes. And the last thing he said to me was, 'Doc, sometime when the odds are against the team, just tell them to get out there and give it all they've got, and win just one more for the Bricker. I don't know where I'll be then, he said, but my gym clothes won't smell too good, that's for sure.' "

Ron's entire mood suddenly and dramatically changed. "But Dr. D! That was _me_ that helped him! _I'm_ Ron Stoppable! So it turns out that I actually came through for my camp buddies? Badical! This totally changes everything!" Just as quickly, a look of puzzlement appeared on his face. "But after all these years you _still_ can't remember my name?"

Drakken pondered for a moment. "Hmm. Yes, the face _does_ look vaguely familiar . . ."

With a newfound look of determination, Ron got up from his seat. "Excuse me Dr. D, but I've got a plane to land."

As he marched into the cockpit, he discovered Bonnie using the radio. As she absentmindedly twirled the cord with her finger, she cooed, "That's right, Junior. As soon as I finish this flight I'll have my last unit to graduate, and then we can spend some _serious_ time together, you shallow hottie, you!"

Ron gave her a determined look. "I'll take that, Bonnie."

She quickly said, "Oops! Gotta go . . ."

Ron flipped the radio channel back to Mr. Barkin and snarled, "Ok, Barkin! I don't care what kind of funny look you claim I gave you in the 9th grade, you're going to help me land this plane! Hundreds of passengers are counting on me, and I'm in charge now!"

Mr. Barkin hissed, "Ooh. Finally got some backbone, eh, Stoppable? Well, good. Maybe there's some hope for you yet. But I'm NOT forgetting about that _funny look!_ But I guess you're the big shot now, the head honcho, the big enchilada, the top banana, the big cheese . . ."

Ron was starting to drool a little listening to all of Mr. Barkin's food idioms, when suddenly one of the engines began to smoke and then burst into flame.

Ron screamed, "Aaah! Mr. Barkin! Engine! _ON FIRE!_"

"Calm down, Stoppable! Just pull the fire extinguisher switch on the engine that's burning. It's right above your head."

Ron pulled the switch, which promptly broke off. "Uh, is it supposed to come off in my hand, Mr. B?"

He calmly replied, "No, Stoppable, it's not. Hold on." Mr. Barkin flipped the mute switch and yelled, "OH MY GOD! THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

The air traffic controller pointed to another button on the phone. "Uh, sir, _this_ is the mute button. The button you just pushed is for the speakerphone."

Ron heard Mr. Barkin say "Oops!" right before the radio was finally muted.

Fighting down the urge to panic, Ron tried to think of what to do, then turned to his trusty pet mole rat. "Rufus, I need you to go out there and see what you can do, buddy! I'll slow the plane down as much as I can for you!"

Rufus saluted and grabbed a bungee cord strap from around the pilot's luggage and attached it securely to the bulkhead, then to himself. Donning a miniature pair of goggles, he slipped out of the small side window. Buffeted by the wind, he chattered to himself as he carefully made his way to the burning engine.

Pulling out the tiny repair kit he always seemed to have available for such emergencies, he carefully detached one of the access panels and found the fuel line, deftly shutting it off and extinguishing the fire. But not before one of the passengers had spotted Rufus completing his unusual repair work.

"Stewardess? Stewardess! There's a naked mole rat out on the wing!"

Bonnie quickly rushed over to the frightened man and took a look out of the window. But Rufus had already finished his repairs and was now out of sight as he slowly pulled himself back toward the cockpit.

"Sorry, Mr. Shatner, but I don't see anything out there." She pulled the shade down over the window. "Just relax and I'll get you a pill or something."

Bonnie walked away mumbling something about nervous old actors who were way beyond their prime.

Rufus in the meantime had nearly made it back into the cockpit when the slipstream suddenly caused him to lose his grip, the cord whipping him back and causing the poor little mole rat to smack right into the passenger's window. He held on for dear life as he tried to catch his breath.

The passenger had heard the loud smack against his window. Although he was scared to look to see what had caused the noise, he was more scared not to. His hand shook as he slowly reached for the shade. He suddenly tore it open only to discover Rufus right outside the window, his huge buck teeth gleaming in a wide smile. Rufus simply waved and said "_Hi!"_ as the passenger screamed and fainted dead away. Rufus quickly pulled himself forward and back into the cockpit.

Ron breathed a sigh of relief. "Good job, Rufus! Now I've got to stay calm and land this plane!"

Mr. Barkin came back on the radio and yelled, "Stoppable! If the passengers have any chance at all, you've got to stay under control!"

Barkin's voice echoed through Ron's mind. "_Stay under control . . . control . . . control . . ."_

The voice of Yoda then echoed through his thoughts. "_Control, control! You must learn control!"_

"Ok, Stoppable, you should be in visual range of the airport. Now, as soon as you pass over the Bueno Nacho restaurant, begin lowering your landing gear."

"Where did you say, Mr. Barkin?"

"Over Bueno Nacho."

Ron suddenly looked downcast. "Nah, I'll never be over Bueno Nacho. Maybe I just better lower the gear right now just in case."

Mr. Barkin simply put his head in his hands as he began sobbing quietly.

The tension mounted as the plane neared the Middleton airport.

Bonnie entered the cockpit and looked at Ron, a rare look of concern on her face. "Scared?"

"Yes," he answered.

She realized that Ron probably had never landed an airliner before. "First time?"

He shook his head. "No, I've been scared lots of times."

Bonnie simply rolled her eyes. Just then, Shirley entered the cockpit as well. With fear etched on her face, she asked, "Are we going to make it, Ron? I don't think I've ever been this frightened before. I'm only 18! And I've never even had a boyfriend!"

Bonnie crossed her arms and smugly said, "Well, I've never been this scared before either, but at least _I _have a boyfriend."

Shirley burst into tears as she ran from the cockpit.

Ron sighed heavily at Bonnie's typical insensitivity as he pushed the button to lower the landing gear. But instead of the comforting sound of hydraulics lowering the gear, a huge crunch was heard instead as the wheels dropped completely off of the aircraft. With a loud thud, they scored a direct hit on the Bueno Nacho sign far below.

"Ooh, that can't be good. Sorry, Rufus, but even this would be too dangerous for you to try and fix. Time to call in the big guns." He quickly activated his Kimmunicator. "Wade! Emergency! Patch me through to Kim's Cousin Larry, pronto!"

Wade swiftly complied and in a moment had connected him to Larry. "Larry! Bro! Need your help, man."

Larry laconically replied, "Hmm. I know not of this Larry of whom you speak, Ronald. First you must give me this week's secret password." Larry snorted with glee.

Ron yelled in frustration, "All right! All right! _This is C3PO calling Imperial Senator Burnaliss. The Princess is in danger!_"

Larry smiled. "Access granted, C3PO. And how may I assist you and the Princess?"

"Larry, we have an emergency at the Middleton Airport. I'll need you there for Scenario 42 in ten minutes!"

"I'll be there in five," he promised. "Fear not, fellow warrior, help is on the way! This is Imperial Senator Burnaliss signing off!"

Breathing a quick sigh of relief, Ron switched back to Mr. Barkin. "Ok, Mr. Barkin, I'm on approach and about 10 miles out! We're down to 3 engines and I've just lost the landing gear!"

Barkin slapped his forehead in frustration. "No landing gear? You can't just land without any wheels, Stoppable! Stay up there until we can figure something else out!"

"No way, Barkin!" Ron snarled. "We've got sick people on this plane, including Kim, who might not make it unless I land now. I may bang this plane up a little, but I'll get it down in one piece somehow. Any last minute advice?"

"Yes!" he growled. "Keep your wings level! Give it full flaps! Keep your airspeed at 120 knots and descend no faster than 10 feet per second! Keep your nose up! Fasten your seatbelt! Check your oil and water! Use your turn indicator! Straighten your tie! Tuck in your shirt! Floss once a day and don't forget to brush between meals!"

The plane continued to roar toward the runway, now only a few miles away. Bonnie had gone back to the passenger compartment to help everyone prepare for landing.

"Ok, listen up, everyone! We're flying on only three engines, we've lost our landing gear, and an eighteen-year-old loser who's never flown before is trying to land the plane."

The passengers all looked scared but remained calm. A man then stood up and asked, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you telling us the _whole_ truth? We really have a right to know." The passengers all grumbled in agreement.

Bonnie frowned as she hesitantly replied, "Uh, no. Sorry, we're also all out of coffee."

Pandemonium broke out as everyone started screaming and yelling in complete and total panic.

Meanwhile, Kim had managed to drag herself up to the cockpit while Ron brought the plane in on its final approach. She weakly mumbled, "Good luck, Ron. We're all counting on you."

Ron tried to smile as he gripped the control column, sweat pouring down his face. "Thanks, KP. Now if Cousin Larry can only come through in time . . ."

Now only a few hundred feet from the runway, Ron saw what he had been praying for. Scores of ice cream trucks lined the runway and were furiously spraying whipped cream all over the tarmac.

Ron breathed a sigh of relief as the plane screamed toward a landing. "Ah, Scenario 42. Way to go, Larry!"

With a huge _ploomf,_ the plane landed in the whipped cream, gradually slowing down and coming to a complete stop right at the very gate they had all left from just an hour before.

Bonnie helped the passengers down the emergency chute, cheerfully saying, "Thanks for flying Miracle Airlines! Have a nice day!"

Bonnie waved to Mr. Barkin as he walked up, still wearing his Hawaiian shirt and lime green shorts. "Hey Mr. Barkin! We completed the flight, so I get my credit to graduate now, right?"

Mr. Barkin simply folded his arms and frowned. "Sorry, Rockwaller. You didn't complete the entire round trip to Florida and back. No dice: you'll have to try again."

Bonnie screamed as she shook her fists and began jumping up and down in complete frustration.

Last off the plane were Kim, Ron and Rufus. Cheers from the crowd went up as they slid down the chute, all of them thankful to still be alive.

Smiling, Mr. Barkin strode up to the new hero of the day. "Stoppable, that was probably the worst landing I've ever seen. But you came through, soldier! Good job!" He proudly saluted him as Ron blushed from all the attention.

"Just doin' my duty, Mr. Barkin. So, uh, can we forget that incident in the 9th grade?"

Mr. Barkin flashed him a wolfish smile. "I'll take it under advisement, Stoppable."

Drakken then approached the happy group. "Well, it looks like you're _all that_ as well, Ron Stoppable, and I'm sure that Shego will agree with me. Well, just as soon as she recovers, that is." Sounds of her retching could still be heard as ambulances arrived to take Shego and the other passengers to the Middleton Medical Center for treatment.

Officers Twill and Tweed of the Fashion Police suddenly appeared and approached Mr. Barkin. Even in as much gastronomical distress as Kim was, she couldn't help but smile.

As they approached, Ron cheerfully suggested, "Don't worry Mr. B! I'll be happy to fill in as a character reference!"

Mr. Barkin huffed in frustration, "_You_, Stoppable? They'd throw away the key!"

Agent Twill spoke first. "Steven Barkin, you are under arrest for violation of Code THX 1138 of the Middleton Fashion Code for gross fashion negligence. However . . ."

Agent Tweed handed him back his lost luggage.

"If you will quickly, and I mean _quickly _change back into your regular clothes, we'll overlook the offense . . . _this time_."

Mr. Barkin acknowledged with a quick nod of his head and promptly made a beeline for the nearest men's room to change.

As Kim was whisked to the hospital for treatment, she gathered up enough strength to speak. "Ron, I'm so proud of you. You overcame all your fears and saved us all, and without even using your Mystical Monkey Power." She smiled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Thanks, KP. Not that my MMP would have helped much this time, but you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. But there's still one thing I don't understand."

Kim looked up at Ron with a quizzical look on her face. "What's that, Ron?"

"Well, for starters, how could Bueno Nacho have possibly let something like this happen? It's just not like them at all. And chimaritos made out of _mystery meat?_ That's just sick and wrong!"

He simply shrugged in wonder as he continued. "Well, I guess we'll never know. But at least you and everyone else are ok. And I promise: we'll rebook our trip to Disney World just as soon as you're well, and on a MAJOR airline. And no more coupons or Bonus Bucks!"

Kim beamed in appreciation. "That's my Ron!"

Meanwhile, a small spacecraft had just left Earth's orbit, heading into deep space. Two very large green-skinned aliens laughed heartily.

The male nodded approvingly. "That was an excellent plan, my battlemate. Your discovery of that Bonus Bucks connection was impressive, as was your effective sabotage of their primitive flying vehicle. And using that horrid meat substitute to sicken them all was pure genius! Too bad we weren't able to complete our retribution and totally annihilate them."

The female alien chuckled, "Don't worry Warhok. The earthlings have a humorous saying: _There's always a next time!"_

Warmonga's laugh continued to echo throughout the ship as they sped home toward their home planet.

* * *

_Well, for better or for worse, there you have it: hope you enjoyed! This plot bunny had started nibbling at me last year, but I couldn't quite get the right hook for it at the end until MrDrP inadvertently gave me an idea regarding Lorwardians and bad cooking (don't ask . . .). Oh, and before anyone points it out, I know that Mr. Barkin wasn't technically a Marine pilot. But he's ex-military, so I stretched things a bit to allow for his part in the story. And as much that I could have added, I really wanted to keep this down to a one-shot, as long as it is. Someday, I may even learn the meaning of 'concise' . . ._


End file.
